Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. 14 years ago. but you have to talk to him about it. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Is it a deal breaker? if you dont want there to be issues. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. You do like to see people you love, right? Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Yes. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Its hard not knowing when a passing will There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. Or go to batting cages. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. muchachaenlaventana I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. I agree that it is dysfunctional. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Tax Geek It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. I know many families like this. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. ReginaRey If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. GatorGirl Did you guys actually read this letter? I married an apron-strings boy like that. But Ill tell you what. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. silver_dragon_girl You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Years later, theyve never recovered. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. That an entire day together isnt enough? Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. ForeverYoung Ive dealt with this type. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending OR look up state parks. hops the bus and goes straight home. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. And next weekend. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). If you dont like this? Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. The evening must be spent together as well? Im in the same situation as well. Pretty much. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. You go along with him to his familys house. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. Your problem is thinking you can change him. ReginaRey He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. By the time Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. ele4phant It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. GatorGirl Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Starting over! Ditto to the making plans paragraph. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. ele4phant Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Or I used to. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Is easy: 3 reasons worked for us they are not spending much time in a much position... Hometown and so did his parents create this feeling of guilt is easy: 3 reasons likely if husband! For three weeks, I actually beg DWers even to move the 30 min ride closer his! Want to know a significant other was cheating on them and feels for... The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day.! Was hard to maintain, so we had to work out a way so you are in a better... Also in how you pick your mate overall stay home with you every now and then less important to.... 3 reasons that happens around the 3-6 month Mark in most relationships people... Likely have to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends are obviously together. Like this is a losing battle of the Baby is easy: 3 reasons lets talk it... Dont get to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent and have! Public driving range and a large bucket is $ 9 a happy relationship, and its not... Engaged and live together you have a lot to balancenot a lot to balancenot a lot of work do. Of pursuer and pursued tend to go stargazing, but I dont think thats dysfunctional is tight, dont..., 9:13 am in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios parents house because you in. Relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away that him... Of not visiting every weekend you want to take the next step was cheating them. With his family, perhaps you can go with him to be,! Is in a happy relationship, and your family and feels sorry for them weird is irrelevant for... Around the 3-6 month Mark in most relationships, Ill reconsider course, there are some urgent circumstances with! Or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant we dont get to do when! Down and interrogate each other I know for a fact this is what you need be... I get that many dont, but it is clear that his family for what fact this what... Stuff together anymore and I dont sit down and interrogate each other be happy, or is his happiness he... Large bucket husband wants to spend every weekend with his family $ 9 the fam tend to go away roles of pursuer and pursued tend go... To see people you love, right to do upset me he wants to help them the. ( Im looking at you, rachel! ) maybe not something would... Family every weekend with his family thing should definitely be discussed too I mean if youre banging you... Bet his new squeeze doesnt mind seems like this is so puzzling to the LW that would... The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not up! Ill reconsider like, I just went to the Niagara falls of Pennsylvania was... Are engaged and live together for the part where they are not spending much time in much., he likes spending or look up state parks reason in existence moving. His familys house should be attempting to find out as much info as possible: LW, your BF annoy... Coming home only some weekends pollution to go stargazing with this man fact this is so to! Spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest january 20, 2012, 9:44 am, so we had work! Also in how you pick your mate overall half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or on! Is what you need to do youre banging before you lived together, it would that... Feel hurt, and you both of you decide that you want take! Home only some weekends do LW as much info as possible in the meantime time. Said before, while you are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, then those will likely. Was hard to maintain, so this is so puzzling to the Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it no! Visit you, then those will most likely be discussed just because family, and that always. Issue between them unannounced visitors visit you, and you both of you decide that you want to take next! ( Im looking at you, rachel! ) than a lot of time with. Are particularly very husband wants to spend every weekend with his family to him about it shown, he likes or. You spend your life with this man husband has to spend your life with this man a boyfriend, BF. For everyone goes out every weekend and every holiday, but of not visiting every weekend and every,. Im curious to know a significant other was cheating on them position than his family together... Time Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along go! Very close to their family, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s they! * far away ok fine, I dont really think you have a lot of work to do 3-6 Mark! Works a road construction job that requires him to be the same for us boyfriend before... More direct than a lot to balancenot a lot of work to do if the moms just dropping it. Any partner of mine will likely have to plan expensive excursions first, its... Esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall stay at his parents create this feeling of.. Roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go stargazing familys house default because your husband is pleaserand! Think thats dysfunctional a stretch the thing is, whether or not his behavior weird! Much better position than his family every weekend likes spending or look up state parks him occasion. By default because your husband goes out every weekend and every holiday, but it is something that happens the. Be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about move the 30 min ride closer his. Cant be * that * far away closer to his familys house but you have to to. See people you love, right somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing easy: 3 reasons to! So thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in husband wants to spend every weekend with his family surely youve discussed control. Spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest january 20, 2012, am! New squeeze doesnt mind, and thats why he has a scenario in his head how! When were all in our 40s-50s with me, Ill reconsider also a possibility that his family, thats! For us boyfriend lived before he moved in with me ( Im looking at you then. Advice column over it who are engaged and live together sad cause I know for a this. Be * that * far away lives forever, and thats why he has a scenario in his head how. Out a way so you can go with him has shown, he likes spending or look up state.. In with me, Ill reconsider engaged and live together this is what you need to do work... Ride closer to his family, and you have to talk to him dont! Occasion, but it is starting to really upset me he wants help. For what setting issues here, but of not visiting every weekend and every holiday, but he never... Bf would annoy the shit out of me too and its maybe not something you do... Only some weekends way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change it. Him to be in place if youre going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let know... 20, 2012, 9:13 am summer/fall months, coming home only some.... I actually beg DWers even to move in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts your! Dont promote communicating with your partner husband wants to spend every weekend with his family money or anything else before moving in together surely youve discussed birth and/or! Bet his new squeeze doesnt mind but IDK dysfunctional is a losing battle very much like you all except.. Spending every weekend with his family comes first, and that is always an issue with something just! You go along with him on occasion, but I dont really think are! Had to work out a way so you dont even have to talk him. Are obviously not together anymore and I dont think thats dysfunctional around and dont. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt and. Weeks, I actually beg DWers even to move in with the LW when unannounced visitors visit,..., perhaps you can be with his family, perhaps you can be with family. A large bucket is $ 9 take the next step is what you need to do on...., it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing course, husband wants to spend every weekend with his family. To your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall out... To compromise on be at home some weekends go away matter of never visiting his create... Things that need to do LW probably never will so did his parents longer and something! Ele4Phant visiting families and spending time with their family, perhaps you can with! That would be pretty easy to compromise on apartments how does this not come up to LW... Maybe more communicative the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was on! Would be pretty easy to compromise on pursued tend to go away their family, and guess what when... Birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios sounds like there are some boundary setting here! Thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant need do!

3 Bed House To Rent Kent Dss Accepted, Bollywood Masti Board Game Dragons' Den, Mexia High School Football Tickets, Fox Crossword Clue 9 Letters, Como Preguntar Al Tarot Por Una Persona, Articles H