You go on a date and have a great time; you hang out, drink, and have a nice time, but he is not asking you to come over. If she makes a load of fuss and noise? I really like to have control over when I am around people. I did nonetheless feel foolish I hadnt thought to use it! It takes a certain level of presumption about how close your friendship is to ask someone else to host you, so if youre not 99.9% sure that person would like you to invite yourself over, avoid inviting yourself over. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. I cant always do everything with all the family. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them, and its so great to hang out with someone for whom Come by my place Saturday at 9:30 means I will go by their place Saturday, at 9:30 without any further confirmation or negotiation being necessary. But, it did make me wonder if my assumptions about etiquette were off. Youve undoubtedly been in this position a few times before. My space is not your space friend, it is mine and I want to keep it that way! I'll go into more detail below, but this is really one of those areas where you have to use your own judgment. doing that, or reacting in other appropriate ways, without letting on that you noticed the feeling (VERY IMPORTANT). My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. Luckily, subtle politeness is allowed. I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. I DO think its possible that being someones designated hug-person could get a bit claustrophobic, especially if you are not on for touch stuff all the time. Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. If the friend did just knock on their door, then sure, some guidance on boundaries is probably needed, but if the LW asked in a way that allowed the friend to gracefully decline the invitation, then thats already expressing respect for boundaries and the friend is possibly overreacting by calling them out on it. Maybe grab coffee/Indian food? I know that probably seems like a small/petty distinction, but in terms of the LWs question I just want to emphasize how much more fun ALL aspects of hosting are for me when I know about them in advance. It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. There were also a lot of community events like potlucks and things, and common areas where fruit trees were up for grabs, so it was part of the whole package, I think. Anyway, those are the general rules I would follow, but I think here as some others have noted its really important that your friend has been pulling away from her generally for the past year. So maybe but I guess will never know. Many people are eager to know when Santa will come to their house. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. Christine Jones is an editor who likes to write about modern dating trends and dating tips. Sigh. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. 26) My car is broken. No worries if you want to keep it low key. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. And I dont actually talk about the wedding that much simply because I find it tedious when someone else keeps going on about something. Is it cool if I go to that? I had a cancellation at work and got to leave about 60 minutes early. When I was young it was normal to go knock on someones door, but you always either invited them outside to play or over to your house, you never invited yourself in. On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: Talking/texting/chatting with one member of a friend group every couple of days can pay great dividends on group events, I have found. I have had folks invite themselves over the same day and I have wangled it into lets meet at the bar rather than shame-cleaning or not being able to kick them out when I am sleepy, if its someone you feel you cannot say no to (but just know you can always say no). If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. But I moved away, and now that I am well out of college anyone who came by unannounced would definitely get a are you ok? This feeling is only exaggerated when you know that Santa is going to be visiting your house and bringing you gifts. My parents put up with it because faaaaaaaaaaammmilyyyyyyyy. So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. I would hide behind the couch if I was the only one home and someone rang the doorbell, in a place where I was invisible from both the front and back doors. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. Oh man, indeed. The society believes that 'male borns' are not often clean. Shit like what you describe would scar anybody, and good for you for talking about it openly. Yup. I totally understand that shame cleaning is a thing and I know the shame aspect of cleaning comes from a wide array of sources both personal and cultural and have felt/done it myself in certain circumstances. Uurghhrggghh you bet that any child of mine will be raised with a HUGE feelings-related vocabulary (I pretty much only knew happy, angry, sad until my teens?) And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. It feels like a Big Commitment to do complex scheduling on everything, whereas yo Im walking my dog down your street feels very, very low key to me. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. I didnt get one, so I didnt go. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. What are you doing at the weekend? Instead of stating their full request, e.g. Any interest in a Saturday matinee?, Them:Saturday is bad, but could we do the 2pm on Sunday?, You:That works. 1600, masturbate to porn; 1630, cleanup; 1700, SO arrives. So if any of the people they had carefully arranged in their schedule/chessboard had the temerity to break pattern and show up early or try to clean under the bed or anything that threatened to bring the two sides of their lives together theyd explode with rageand since they couldnt talk about the actual cause of their anger, they often used bullshit nonsensical excuses, like, When you sweep for dustbunnies under the bed it implies you think Im a disgusting person. (Instead of: that is where I keep evidence about my affairs. Next Thursday? In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. Okay, can I say, I find comments like this REALLY ableist. I am never trying to go along with them to a place they were already going/were. Which, actually seems a little counter intuitive, because youre asking them to make an additional effort to hang out with you, instead of you just tagging along, or showing up, they have to put on their going outside pants. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I recommend Using Your Words: I was raised that its rude to assume Im invited to something just because its being discussed in my presence. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. To me this seems rather mean-girlesque. If the LW did the same here, e.g. Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. She ended up getting invited to stuff a lotttt less, and then finally not at all for the better part of a year, because even if her boyfriend had been someone we liked being around (he wasnt) it was always a gamble that shed show up with him. If she mentions crashing another friends house, turn it around and suggest all three of you go . I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. If you, a person who lives in my giant city but not anywhere near the suburb where I live, happen to find yourself in that suburb, and want to grab a coffee/see a movie/a meal/a drink/a manicure. I was really angry when they torpedoed Google Chat, because at least that had the option to be invisible. Im someone with a developmental disorder, and commenting on other people doing bizarre and/or not-okay things with stuff that says theyre just like a three-year-old or mentally twelve or whatever is really, really gross. Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? Provided it is offered in good spirit and without unpleasant tone, I regard it as a gift that might be useful to me. Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). They were birdwatching haunts). A simple text letting him know you're looking forward to hanging out is sufficient. My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. If I dont know someone is comming the floor will probably be under a few layers of clothes and I might be unable to socialize at the moment, even if I would have loved to hang out if I had gotten time to mentaly prepare for it. My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). however. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. But if Im invited to Camilles for dinner, I wont assume that everyone we both know is also invited. I would take a step back with this friend, try not making plans with her or stopping by her office for a while and see what happens. i have had that used on me enough by a gaslighty ex that i break out in hives when i hear it. Absolutely. If not, the guide on how to ask a guy out on a third date would be a perfect read. Newly married. This house is my safe zone. Le sigh. But if its someone Im not intimate enough with to say that to, then sufficient advance notice is required so I can say nope, I was about to take a nap check with me in an hour if you are still around. Or kids may not be up to remembering that they cant schedule for X day/time because actually theyre supposed to be doing something else that was scheduled ages ago; yay timetable clashes! Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. Also, usually I dont have pants on. Come up with an excuse in mind on why you would like to hang out at his place. Had a neighbor knock over and over for 45 minutes, and then YELL at me when I came to the window, demanding I tell her why I wouldnt open the door when she knew I was home. So Ill just tell her we have to go in two minutes, so please start picking up. So we talk about plans past and future all the time and we expect people not to be weird about it. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. Wow, yeah, SO relationships can be really fraught, indeed. Im firmly in the camp of food is not bad and I refuse to feel guilty for it. Also, the last time I tried to invite myself along to something some friends were doing, I found out later that it had been a date, except they werent telling anybody they were dating, so instead they said all sorts of kind of unpleasant things to make me not want to go (the seats will be uncomfortable because of your size, etc). Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. Something that we have found interesting in many of these cases is that women generally tend to play dumber for guys. I dont care how close we are. In this situation there's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who's interested can show up. After reading how to get a girl to come over to your house, don't take it for granted. Oh I love nude dancing! My ex was such a polar opposite person who needed her alone time unless specific arrangements were made. To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: Even short and enjoyable visits can be ruined by not knowing when they will end. In my family growing up, having company over meant at least two hours of scrubbing the entire house, and our mother berating us all for how filthy and embarrassing we were. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. Sometimes an hour early. Small apartment. Distance communication makes explaining that Im doing something non-interruptible seem more polite and gives more hypothetical space for you to pretend I was actually doing something specific or about to run to an appointment rather than just not feeling sociable. My mom, my sister and I had come to town planned ahead of time to arrive at their house and have dinner. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. . If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. 4. What Happens If You Put Salt In The Corners Of Your House? #711: Is it rude or wrong to invite myself to someones house? In college, in dorms or group housing situations in the early 1990s, friends were like vampires: Invite them in once and then they werepretty free to come and go, and there would always be that one person who doesnt pay rent but is nonetheless always around. 10 minutes? The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. Their visits were usually a minimum of 2-3 hours, and it wasnt uncommon for them to stay for the entire day on Saturdays and Sundays. I may have moved all the furniture in a fit of spring cleaning and theres nowhere to sit. I was actually discussing the music for the wedding with the person who would actually be playing said music, so not even just a casual conversation about it; it could hardly have been construed as a taunt given that she was the one who came over and inserted herself. You don't follow up on the numbers you do get. I invite my parents to visit with the intended side-effect of getting the darn house cleaned up beyond: Oh, uh, the mail is all in one pile, and I think Ive collected the worst of the catumbleweeds.. So I think it has a context where its useful. My familys got some issues. It would be different if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one of them. im just saying that i didnt invite you is not a reason, but i would rather go with my bestie is. It happens in Chicago, too, and I hate it (although Im used to it). So for me, it was natural to live that out as an adult in a city with a person I was becoming close to. Pass the ketchup?, Im so happy youre dating that nice [race] person. Its not some kind of moral failing. Though I'm also a therapist and can offer in-depth, personalized help. But I normally make plans when Im with bunch of people, particularly when Im at school? Get out of your car This was actually THE reason we didnt end up dating. This is a very interesting topic. At this point I just deal with it by acting like Im an idiot and I believe everything they say. Or a sitting room. Its what it says on the tin! For you, that sort of cleaning might not be based in shame, but it is for others. Regardless, Im wondering how big a transgression this is- another blog said that inviting your self over to someones home is viewed as rude and presumptuous and should only be done seldom with a very, very close friend. But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. We have no enemies!. Take it a step further, and youve a way of saying Im blameless. Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. Want to come? ASK. People who know me know Im a call or text ahead person. You are not stupid. His sister got to the point of being able to call a friend to arrange a play date around age 9. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. If it isn't, call him rather than send a text to invite him over. If I am 5-10 min early, then I will walk my ass up to your door and knock. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. Ragey is about right! That seems like a perfect little interaction to me, am I missing something? Weekend, so chance to sleep in and do chores. It should be noted that I live in an area with notoriously shit cell reception, so sometimes people cant text or call. YES SAME. No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. Any suggestions for dealing w/ people who refuse to respect clearly stated boundaries around these issues? They think Im being silly when Im unsure like that. I usually dont got to bed until 3 or 4, but after 9 or 10 Im usually not prepared to leave or entertain without serious incentive or an established plan. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. Thats theyre decision as an adult. I want to hang out, but Im not psychic! Or just the opposite could happen, and it may be a bad move to invite yourself to an outing where that kind of thing is commonly okay. Im very sorry that there was a miscommunication, and I hope well have a chance to get together soon., The script you REALLY need, though, is for your friend: Friend, we like seeing your cousin occasionally, but she seems to think that any invitation to you includes her as well, and thats not actually the case. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. 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